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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:55:39 +0000

This former hugely popular B list television star and now really in absolutely nothing happens to be married with child/ren. She has been in this space before. She has never had what one would describe as a quiet sex life despite what her image was when she was younger. Well at this point it is getting out of hand. Seems that she and her husband have always done swinging in a very exclusive club where anonymity is guaranteed. But now, she is branching out and with that branching she is losing some of her anonymity. In fact she is seriously looking for work because of a situation she got herself into about six months ago that involved several men at once. One of them threatened to expose it all and she has had to pay hush money since. She would turn the guy into the cops for extortion but feels the aftermath would be more than any attempt at a comeback could take. Meanwhile she needs to make money to keep paying out all the hush money. (CDAN)

The word "comeback" immediately made me think of my beloved Valerie Cherish as played by Lisa Kudrow. I don't want to picture Valerie Cherish getting gang banged, though. No, I don't want that.

Which TV actress has a new boyfriend with a temper? Her hipster beau is known for smacking around girls if they don’t put out. Luckily for him, she does. (Gatecrasher)

Hipsters are so violent! I have no clue, so I'll just guess Betty White. That seems like a good guess.

Which chart-topping star is hiding a Santa secret from his model girlfriend? He's already put her presents to him up for sale on eBay. (3am Girls)

John Legend? And he should just return them to Nordstrom. They take anything!

Celebrity 1 and Celebrity 2 hate each other for several reasons. But for right now Celebrity 1 really hates the fact that Celebrity 2 is grabbing the headlines. So Celebrity 1 will soon be announcing something that was supposed to be a secret for a while longer. Why the change in schedule? Simply because Celebrity 1 wants to push Celebrity 2 out of the media spotlight right after the New Year. Celebrity 1, who adopts an I’m-so-above-it-all attitude in public, is actually very competitive and very, very calculating in private. In fact, Celebrity 1 has struck a deal with a certain media source for an exclusive announcement involving a change in family structure. Very shrewd, and certain to grab magazine covers from Celebrity 2 throughout much of 2009. (Blind Gossip)

Blah. It has to be "you know who" and "you know poo." I'm guessing "you know who" is going to either give birth to another messiah or make the angels sing in unison by getting married.

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:55:39 +0000

The word "comeback" immediately made me think of my beloved Valerie Cherish as played by Lisa Kudrow. I don't want to picture Valerie Cherish getting gang banged, though. No, I don't want that.

Which TV actress has a new boyfriend with a temper? Her hipster beau is known for smacking around girls if they don’t put out. Luckily for him, she does. (Gatecrasher)

Hipsters are so violent! I have no clue, so I'll just guess Betty White. That seems like a good guess.

Which chart-topping star is hiding a Santa secret from his model girlfriend? He's already put her presents to him up for sale on eBay. (3am Girls)

John Legend? And he should just return them to Nordstrom. They take anything!

Blah. It has to be "you know who" and "you know poo." I'm guessing "you know who" is going to either give birth to another messiah or make the angels sing in unison by getting married.

dlisted.com

Mickey Rourke calls Sean Penn a 'homophobe'

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:15:00 +0000

An Oscar contender for his starring role in The Wrestler, Mickey Rourke reportedly sent a text message to a Hollywood insider trashing Sean Penn's acting in Milk and called him a homophobe, according to The Daily Beast:

On December 28, a Los Angeles entertainment honcho shared a text message with me that Rourke had sent him: “Look seans an old friend of mine and i didnt buy his performance at all—thought he did an average pretend acting like he was gay besides hes one of the most homophobic people i kno" [sic]
Miami friends of Rourke acknowledge he is brutally honest, even to his own detriment. “Mickey will call a spade a spade,” says a long time acquaintance. “Even if he makes you cringe sometimes with what he says, at least you’ll know he’s not bullshitting you.”

While my brain attempts to fold in on itself trying to differentiate between "pretend acting" and "non-pretend acting," at least we know for certain that Mickey Rourke isn't homophobic. Clearly, here's a man who's not afraid to give his career the most vigorous corn-holing of its life. Well played, sir.

Photos: WENN

http://www.thesuperficial.com/index.xml

Eva Longoria Parker launches clandestine assault on cheaters

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:30:00 +0000

Eva Longoria Parker hates cheaters and has no qualms about going private eye on their asses, according to NY Daily News:

If she discovered a pal’s man was unfaithful, “(I’d) tell her,” the Desperate Housewife declares in Glamour magazine’s February Man issue, adding that she’d even resort to sneaky tactics to expose the guy.
“I would probably take a picture with my camera phone first,” she says. “It’s tough, because sometimes people kill the messenger. But I think the truth always comes out, regardless of who tells us.”

Real smooth, Eva. Now every cheater in America knows to watch out for a garden gnome with a camera phone when they're out with their mistress. "Is that a pointy red hat?! Shit, act like you're my sister. So, hey, remember that dad guy? He was great. Wait, it's a traffic cone. Phew. Now I don't have to explain why I've been fondling your breasts this whole time."

Photos: WENN

http://www.thesuperficial.com/index.xml

A Blue Man And A High School Principal Walk Into A Park....

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:37:17 +0000

UPDATE: Before you start to read this shit, a rep for Blue Man Group told TMZ that the dude in this story is lying and he's not a member of their group of blue men who throw toilet paper rolls at audience members. The police in Chicago said that dumb dumbs lie on their arrest reports all the time and they haven't done a background check on the possibly faux Blue Man yet. Maybe he meant Blew Man? That would make more sense. It's still fucking hilarious because who pretends to be a Blue Man? The dude's real name is probably Tobias Funke. And now here's the original story:

File this under: This shit was made for puns. PUNS!!!

Two dudes were busted by the cops in Chicago last night for trying to bust nuts in a public park. One of the men is an actor in Blue Man Group. His name is Darren Stephens. Samantha, come get this bitch! Endora does not approve.

The other dude's name is Michael Pressler and he's an assistant principal at Maine East High School. Wiki says the high school's color is blue and their mascot is the Blue Demon. Don't you love it when these things write themselves?

According to the Daily Herald, the ~~Blow~~ Blue Man was caught blowing the assistant principal on a park bench at a lakefront park on Chicago's North Side at around 5:45pm. They were arrested and charged with getting sexay while on Chicago Park property.

Get ready to hit the gong..... Obviously, both dudes were left with a serious case of "blue" balls. GONG!

Seriously, who the fuck sucks dick at 5:45pm on a park bench? Don't look at me! Don't! If you need to get dirty at 5:45 in the evening, take your act to a bush, a public bathroom or even a sewer tunnel (don't judge). Bench sucking is only for after midnight. Dumb blue motherfucker!

And it's a shame that Darren Stephens wasn't arrested in his Blue Man makeup. That mug shot would rival all fucking mug shots.

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Bye Bye Balthazar

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:10:33 +0000

A few weeks ago there was a blind item about some TV bitch getting fired but not knowing it yet. Well, it seems like that the bitch in question is Balthazar Getty. The Ausiello Files has it on good authority that the producers have quit Balthazar. Last week, they told him that they weren't going to renew his contract as a full-time ho, but they are in talks to keep him on as a recurring character. This means there's really no plans to put his ass six feet under.

A few sources told Ausiello that Balthazar getting demoted has nothing to do with the rumors that he's been acting like a fucktard on set. They said it was all about budget issues. They feel that Balthazar's character really isn't that important, so he was the one that earned a ticket to the glue factory.

Yet another reason for Sienna Miller to dump this bastard forever. The dick is stale. The bitch is still married. And he doesn't have a full-time gig anymore. Sienna is a mega slut who deserves better peen. A peen that can at least buy her a Happy Meal after fucky times. I know it's wrong, but eating a Happy Meal after sex is really enjoyable.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest For December 30th!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:33:55 +0000

Thanks Lauren

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Afternoon Crumbs

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:43:12 +0000

Kirstie Alley could eat it faster - Bits & Pieces (via Boing Boing)

Lucifer must be freezing his ass off, because Pamela Anderson is wearing pants - Hollywood Tuna

More of Lily Allen sunning her little grapes - Egotastic!

Single Ladies meets Newsies - Towleroad

Kate Moss and a headless Gaston in a Just Cavalli ad - Just Jared

Beyonce's ego is totally going to sink the boat - Lainey Gossip

That was kind of Joel Madden to keep his top on. He's thinking of us - Popsugar

Beyonce hates parties - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity tokers of the year - Cityrag

This video still needs more ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Vadge should use some of that cash to buy a damn meal - I'm Not Obsessed

Big shock. Guess who's the most exposed whores of '08? - Celebitchy

Michael Lohan needs to take his own advice - Socialite Life

STFU ScarJo - ICYDK

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Donatella Versace in a bikini = Adios, future erections!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:45:00 +0000

Here's renowned fashion designer Donatella Versace on the beach at St. Barts and doing a damn fine job of trying to make me bleed from the eyes. On that note, someone needs to tell Donatella Schindler's List is a movie, not a fashion statement because, no joke, this woman's only 53. Until I looked it up, I would've sworn her age was beef jerky.

Photos: Flynet

http://www.thesuperficial.com/index.xml

One Minute, Four Seconds

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:52:19 +0000

It's wrong of me to judge something when I haven't listened to the entire thing, but I couldn't make it past the 1:04 mark of John Mayer's cover of Mimi's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." First of all, Christmas songs have been fucking me in the ass without Crisco since November. Second of all, John Mayer sounds constipated. The visual of him pushing out a butt nugget while singing a Christmas tune was too much for me to deal with, so I quit that bitch after a minute.

Besides, I don't need to listen to the whole thing to know that John is doing it all wrong. Dear John, get yourself a hot cup of douche water, sit back and watch this hot bitch below. This beautiful songbird will show you the proper way to cover a Mimi Xmas song:

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