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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:55:39 +0000

This former hugely popular B list television star and now really in absolutely nothing happens to be married with child/ren. She has been in this space before. She has never had what one would describe as a quiet sex life despite what her image was when she was younger. Well at this point it is getting out of hand. Seems that she and her husband have always done swinging in a very exclusive club where anonymity is guaranteed. But now, she is branching out and with that branching she is losing some of her anonymity. In fact she is seriously looking for work because of a situation she got herself into about six months ago that involved several men at once. One of them threatened to expose it all and she has had to pay hush money since. She would turn the guy into the cops for extortion but feels the aftermath would be more than any attempt at a comeback could take. Meanwhile she needs to make money to keep paying out all the hush money. (CDAN)

The word "comeback" immediately made me think of my beloved Valerie Cherish as played by Lisa Kudrow. I don't want to picture Valerie Cherish getting gang banged, though. No, I don't want that.

Which TV actress has a new boyfriend with a temper? Her hipster beau is known for smacking around girls if they don’t put out. Luckily for him, she does. (Gatecrasher)

Hipsters are so violent! I have no clue, so I'll just guess Betty White. That seems like a good guess.

Which chart-topping star is hiding a Santa secret from his model girlfriend? He's already put her presents to him up for sale on eBay. (3am Girls)

John Legend? And he should just return them to Nordstrom. They take anything!

Celebrity 1 and Celebrity 2 hate each other for several reasons. But for right now Celebrity 1 really hates the fact that Celebrity 2 is grabbing the headlines. So Celebrity 1 will soon be announcing something that was supposed to be a secret for a while longer. Why the change in schedule? Simply because Celebrity 1 wants to push Celebrity 2 out of the media spotlight right after the New Year. Celebrity 1, who adopts an I’m-so-above-it-all attitude in public, is actually very competitive and very, very calculating in private. In fact, Celebrity 1 has struck a deal with a certain media source for an exclusive announcement involving a change in family structure. Very shrewd, and certain to grab magazine covers from Celebrity 2 throughout much of 2009. (Blind Gossip)

Blah. It has to be "you know who" and "you know poo." I'm guessing "you know who" is going to either give birth to another messiah or make the angels sing in unison by getting married.

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Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:55:39 +0000

The word "comeback" immediately made me think of my beloved Valerie Cherish as played by Lisa Kudrow. I don't want to picture Valerie Cherish getting gang banged, though. No, I don't want that.

Which TV actress has a new boyfriend with a temper? Her hipster beau is known for smacking around girls if they don’t put out. Luckily for him, she does. (Gatecrasher)

Hipsters are so violent! I have no clue, so I'll just guess Betty White. That seems like a good guess.

Which chart-topping star is hiding a Santa secret from his model girlfriend? He's already put her presents to him up for sale on eBay. (3am Girls)

John Legend? And he should just return them to Nordstrom. They take anything!

Blah. It has to be "you know who" and "you know poo." I'm guessing "you know who" is going to either give birth to another messiah or make the angels sing in unison by getting married.

dlisted.com

A Blue Man And A High School Principal Walk Into A Park....

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 17:37:17 +0000

UPDATE: Before you start to read this shit, a rep for Blue Man Group told TMZ that the dude in this story is lying and he's not a member of their group of blue men who throw toilet paper rolls at audience members. The police in Chicago said that dumb dumbs lie on their arrest reports all the time and they haven't done a background check on the possibly faux Blue Man yet. Maybe he meant Blew Man? That would make more sense. It's still fucking hilarious because who pretends to be a Blue Man? The dude's real name is probably Tobias Funke. And now here's the original story:

File this under: This shit was made for puns. PUNS!!!

Two dudes were busted by the cops in Chicago last night for trying to bust nuts in a public park. One of the men is an actor in Blue Man Group. His name is Darren Stephens. Samantha, come get this bitch! Endora does not approve.

The other dude's name is Michael Pressler and he's an assistant principal at Maine East High School. Wiki says the high school's color is blue and their mascot is the Blue Demon. Don't you love it when these things write themselves?

According to the Daily Herald, the ~~Blow~~ Blue Man was caught blowing the assistant principal on a park bench at a lakefront park on Chicago's North Side at around 5:45pm. They were arrested and charged with getting sexay while on Chicago Park property.

Get ready to hit the gong..... Obviously, both dudes were left with a serious case of "blue" balls. GONG!

Seriously, who the fuck sucks dick at 5:45pm on a park bench? Don't look at me! Don't! If you need to get dirty at 5:45 in the evening, take your act to a bush, a public bathroom or even a sewer tunnel (don't judge). Bench sucking is only for after midnight. Dumb blue motherfucker!

And it's a shame that Darren Stephens wasn't arrested in his Blue Man makeup. That mug shot would rival all fucking mug shots.

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Bye Bye Balthazar

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:10:33 +0000

A few weeks ago there was a blind item about some TV bitch getting fired but not knowing it yet. Well, it seems like that the bitch in question is Balthazar Getty. The Ausiello Files has it on good authority that the producers have quit Balthazar. Last week, they told him that they weren't going to renew his contract as a full-time ho, but they are in talks to keep him on as a recurring character. This means there's really no plans to put his ass six feet under.

A few sources told Ausiello that Balthazar getting demoted has nothing to do with the rumors that he's been acting like a fucktard on set. They said it was all about budget issues. They feel that Balthazar's character really isn't that important, so he was the one that earned a ticket to the glue factory.

Yet another reason for Sienna Miller to dump this bastard forever. The dick is stale. The bitch is still married. And he doesn't have a full-time gig anymore. Sienna is a mega slut who deserves better peen. A peen that can at least buy her a Happy Meal after fucky times. I know it's wrong, but eating a Happy Meal after sex is really enjoyable.

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The CAPTION THIS Contest For December 30th!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 18:33:55 +0000

Thanks Lauren

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Afternoon Crumbs

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 19:43:12 +0000

Kirstie Alley could eat it faster - Bits & Pieces (via Boing Boing)

Lucifer must be freezing his ass off, because Pamela Anderson is wearing pants - Hollywood Tuna

More of Lily Allen sunning her little grapes - Egotastic!

Single Ladies meets Newsies - Towleroad

Kate Moss and a headless Gaston in a Just Cavalli ad - Just Jared

Beyonce's ego is totally going to sink the boat - Lainey Gossip

That was kind of Joel Madden to keep his top on. He's thinking of us - Popsugar

Beyonce hates parties - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity tokers of the year - Cityrag

This video still needs more ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Vadge should use some of that cash to buy a damn meal - I'm Not Obsessed

Big shock. Guess who's the most exposed whores of '08? - Celebitchy

Michael Lohan needs to take his own advice - Socialite Life

STFU ScarJo - ICYDK

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One Minute, Four Seconds

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:52:19 +0000

It's wrong of me to judge something when I haven't listened to the entire thing, but I couldn't make it past the 1:04 mark of John Mayer's cover of Mimi's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." First of all, Christmas songs have been fucking me in the ass without Crisco since November. Second of all, John Mayer sounds constipated. The visual of him pushing out a butt nugget while singing a Christmas tune was too much for me to deal with, so I quit that bitch after a minute.

Besides, I don't need to listen to the whole thing to know that John is doing it all wrong. Dear John, get yourself a hot cup of douche water, sit back and watch this hot bitch below. This beautiful songbird will show you the proper way to cover a Mimi Xmas song:

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The World's Heaviest Cake Doesn't Look Delicious

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 16:34:32 +0000

Over in Bucharest on Sunday, a new world record for the fattest cake was set. An official ho from the Guinness Book of World Records was on hand to weigh the cake and officially declare it the fattest cake in the world at 619 pounds. Twenty seconds later, Aretha Franklin magically floated in on her hot air balloon chichis and BOOM! The world's heaviest cake suddenly disappeared. No, the cake was served to the people of Bucharest.

If you're going to bake the fattest cake in the world, make that shit delicious looking. That shit is sad looking. I don't even see any colored sugar flowers on that cake. Usually when I see a cake, I want to dive in, get dirty with it and swallow all it has to offer. But not with this cake. That shit looks like the Styrofoam cake they gave us on our birthday in kindergarten. Those dumb ass teachers would stick some candles in a fake cake and sing Happy Birthday to us. There was never a smile in the room, because we all knew we were being bamboozled. I mean, fake cake?! Illegal and hurtful. Those teachers should be in prison for their acts of unkindness.

The city of Bucharest also recently beat the world record for the looooongest sausage. The previous record was set by Peter North. Twenty seconds after it was declared the longest sausage, Parasite Hilton magically floated in on her hot air balloon pussy lips and BOOM! The world's longest sausage suddenly disappeared.

And yes, when I first saw the title "The World's Heaviest Sausage," my no-no immediately started barking like a yappy Pomeranian. I'm glad you asked. Clip below (of the sausage, not of my no-no barking):

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Birthday Sluts

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:37:47 +0000

Matt Lauer (51)
Meredith Vieira (55)
Kristin Kreuk (26)
Eliza Dushku (28)
Tyrese Gibson (30)
Laila Ali (31)
Tiger Woods (33)
Jason Behr (35)
Daniel Sunjata (37)
Jay Kay (39)
Meredith Monroe (40)
Heidi Fleiss (43)
Tracey Ullman (49)
Sheryl Lee Ralph (52)
Jeff Lynne (61)
Patti Smith (62)
Fred Ward (66)
James Burrows (68)
Russ Tamblyn (74)

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 13:49:00 +0000

Cara Quici from Momma's Boys - SPOILER ALERT! Anybody who watched this shit show last night knows that all Cara wants is a date. A DATE! She will slam doors, push cameras and bulge her eyes out for one simple date. A date! A date! I swear, if she said "a date" one more time, I was going to push her into the mouth Mrs. B and that nasty bitch bites!

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A Good Reason To Wake 'N Bake

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:14:53 +0000

When you woke up this morning, you probably glanced at your bong and quickly considered making sweet love to it, but then decided you wanted to try and be a responsible person instead, because it's Tuesday. Well, fuck that shit! Grab your bong and make sweet, sweet, sweeeet love to it. There's reason to celebrate! Royal stoner Woody Harrelson married his girlfriend of like ten millions years, Laura Louie, on Sunday in Maui. Maui Wowie! Okay, they've really been together for 20 years, but that's like ten million in stoner time.

On Sunday, if you were craving a fat joint, Woody's wedding was the place to find it. I mean, Willie Nelson, Sean Penn and Owen Wilson were all guests. Instead of toasting with champagne, they held up their bongs. You know they only served Funions, chili cheese fries and refried beans. The wedding cake was probably made out of pot brownies.

UsWeekly says that Alanis Morissette sang. Okay, that would've killed my high.

Congrats to these two crazy stoners. May they have many more years of bonging and boinking (sorry for the visual) together!

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You Think You Know Someone

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 14:54:22 +0000

Somehow Brit Brit managed to fly all the way to India over Christmas break and then fly back again without one pap following her ass. That's what the Mirror claims anyway. According to them, Our Lady of Cheetos has fallen in love with Bollywood choreographer Sandip Soparrkar who worked on her "Woomanizah" video. What the Frapp?!

Apparently, the two met earlier this year at one of Vadge's parties. They reunited when Sandip worked on Brit's video and that's when true love was born. They somehow found a way to spend Christmas in India together without any bitches finding out. Something in the curry ain't spicy about this shit!

A source said, “Britney and Sandip tried to keep their reunion in India hush-hush as they’re determined to have a relationship just like any other couple. For Christmas, Sandip – or Sandy as Britney calls him – presented her with a traditional Indian sari. She wore it during a candlelit dinner. The pair were whispering and giggling all night. Sandy ordered local delicacies including chicken tikka and a cottage cheese curry. Britney was nicking the dough balls from his plate. It was really cute.”

Nicking the dough balls? That isn't like Brit. If she knew they were dough balls, she would have swallowed them whole and taken no prisoners. And if Sandip really wants to find his way into Brit's hear, he needs to make her cheese curry with Velveeta, of course.

This is too much too soon. Brit was in India? Brit is bumping tikkas with a dude who looks like my dentist? Brit nicks dough balls? The secrets! The revelations! You think you know someone! I feel so hurt. I feel lied to. I need to comfort myself with a Cheetotini and a Slim Jim.

Seriously, this Sandip dude really does look like my dentist. Except my dentist has been intimate with a wax strip or two and obviously Sandip hasn't. Brit knows how I feel about eyebrows and she gets with him?! The betrayal!!!! And I'm going to pretend like I didn't even see Sandip's baby bangs. I can't....

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That Can't Be Comfortable

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:33:14 +0000

The way Katie Holmes is carrying Suri is the same way my friends carry me out of bars when I'm drunk and acting the fool. You know, they throw me over their shoulder, toss me into a cab and hold me while my legs flail around. Usually I'm wearing an outfit similar to Suri's. That little tidbit isn't important, but I thought it would be a fun fact for a Tuesday morning.

Carrying a drunk ass this way is ok. Carrying a kid like this looks so damn uncomfortable and unnecessary for all parties involved. I know Tommy and Katie like to display Suri this way, but maximum exposure means minimum comfort for Suri. Can't they find a better way? Maybe they should give her a piggyback ride? Or Tommy can get on all fours (he's used to that position) and Suri can ride him like the donkey he is.

And about Katie's face: Ctrl + Alt + KatieLooksBeat

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Here Comes The Rain Again (Thanks To The $1,400 Vibrator)

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 15:56:44 +0000

Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics is getting into the fuck toy business. Dave worked with the Jimmyjane company to create a $1,400 pussy throbber with a satin finish and a band of 28 diamonds around it. The vibrator also has a guitar pick attached to it with the lyrics from his song "Let's Do It Again" written on it. When you drop 1400 clams on this shit, you can also download the song for free.

The Sun says Dave is also putting out a cheaper vibrator with the same company for $140.

I know diamonds are a girl's best friend, but I doubt your vag cares about that shit. For $1,400 Dave's vag rod better do a lot more than just rub your lady business with some stupid ass diamonds. That shit better tickle your ass lips at the same time and talk dirty to you. Afterwards, it better get you a warm towel, light candles, spoon you, whisper sweet nothings into your ear and brush your hair as you fall into a deep slumber. When you wake up, that vibrator better have a 5-course breakfast waiting for you along with a perfectly warm bubble bath and Annie Lennox herself serenading your ass while you bathe. That's what that shit should do for $1,400.

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Sugar Shout Out: Top 10 Movies of the Year

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 07:50:00 +0000